Apologizing is not always easy. And over the course of my life I have had to give and accept my share of them.
But not everyone can do that.
One of my professional mentors wasn’t able to actually apologize. They wouldn’t admit to, or acknowledge any hurtful or disrespectful act they performed. And because I and other mentees were under that person’s “wings”, we weren’t able to ask for or insist on one due to what I can only say were institutional power imbalances. To invoke their displeasure could have dire consequences on our future careers so we all just let the incidents slide whenever they arose.
I like to think that I’m pretty ready and open to giving an apology when I’ve done something that needs to be reconciled. Recently I was at an event where around 200 people were dancing in a crowded room and I inadvertently banged someone with my elbow. I immediately apologized by saying “Oh, I’m so sorry” but the dancing was pretty frantic and since they hadn’t acknowledged my apology, I wasn’t sure the person had heard me. So when the music stopped, I sought out that person and made a more direct apology to them.
Unfortunately, there was so much noise in the room and because of my hearing loss and inability to hear people speak in those kind of situations, I heard them say something to me but I couldn’t understand the actual words. And I wear hearing aids so my hearing is not ideal in the best of situations. But the person who I was apologizing to was wearing a mask to prevent infections and I have found that even in quiet rooms, I have trouble understanding people speaking to me when they are wearing a mask.
Arrgh! Not a good situation.
Just for the record, I often wear and am totally supportive of people wearing masks, especially in crowded events like that one, and if I really need to hear or speak with someone I’ll usually ask them to step aside so we can converse in a quieter space. Or I’ll lean in closer and ask them to speak louder.
But for reasons that I’m not totally clear about, in that situation I told the person I couldn’t hear them and just walked away from them.
Not my best moment, for sure.
Apparently, that upset them even more and they ended up complaining to the event organizer about my actions. Because they had more they wanted to say to me and I had just walked away without giving them that chance.
So the organizer gathered myself and that person and took us to a quieter, less crowded space where they could remove their mask and tell me what had upset them so much.
Two things; the actual physical event and my walking away from them after I tried to apologize again.
They communicated how they felt I had not treated them with respect, especially as I had walked away from them “so abruptly” as they put it.
The conversation was more detailed than that but that is the gist of what I want to reveal here.
I’ve been ruminating about that whole incident trying to see how I could have acted better and how it could have played out so that we both felt complete and reconciled about it.
But one thing I realized is that the person never actually accepted my apology!
I apologized twice and they didn’t accept either one.
What was that all about?!
Did they think I was faking it? If that was the case, I certainly wouldn’t have sought them out to repeat my apology!
So I did a little internet searching about apologies and I feel a little more justified in how I acted. Had they actually said to me some words to acknowledge that they accepted my apology and my willingness to seek them out to bestow it, I think it might have gone in a different direction.
Here’s a couple of suggestions from this article:
If you’re still upset and not ready to let it go yet:
You should say so, but be careful with your language and tone.
Some examples: “Thank you, I needed to hear this apology. I really am hurt.” Or, “I appreciate your apology. I need time to think about it, and I need to see a change in your actions before I can move forward with you.”
Don’t criticize the transgressor, as hard as it may be to hold back in the moment. “Avoid negative strategies like contempt, attacking the person’s character, or mocking them, or rolling your eyes at them,”
While you shouldn’t sweep your feelings under the rug, you also don’t want to hold onto your grievance too tightly or for too long (even if it’s tempting to make the guilty party squirm as much as possible). Numerous studies have found that forgiving others has positive benefits for your mental and physical health. It’s also possible to forgive someone without letting them off the hook.
“Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. It doesn’t mean you need to go make nice,” he writes.
That’s sort of the ideal way to act.
But instead, they decided to take my action as a signal that they could correct my behaviour that had led to the incident in the first place. And so they went to the organizer to have them “reprimand” me for my actions.
Essentially, they attacked my character.
Arrrgh!
I’m now thinking that that is NOT accepting a sincere apology. That is sabotaging it and using it to advance your own personal vendetta or agenda.
And for that, I feel even sorrier for the person. They actively avoided me for the rest of the dancing event, which extended into the following day.
Look, I’m not trying to come off here as someone who acted ideally.
No way!
What I think is we both needed to act in better ways.
So maybe we can all learn a little more from this exchange about how to respond to someone who apologizes to us in a well intentioned way.
Reconciliation is often not simple and straightforward and requires mindful care, honesty and compassion.
And I hope and trust that I’ll be more careful in how I respond with or to an apology in the future.
Because that’s the path of reconciliation, and that’s a good road I want to take.
I’d love to hear what you think about all this.
Until we meet again,
Rich